Disgusted and Horrified!

A close Bush advisor by the name of Grover Norquist has equated the estate tax and the Holocaust! Take a look at Talking Points Memo for the details. Personally, I am disgusted and horrified! How can people let this stuff go on and still support our president? {Hat tip to Tom Tomorrow.}

Hag Sukkot Sameach!

Or happy sukkot! Another Jewish holiday begins tonight, Sukkot! This is a fun season of holiday after holiday. You might know Sukkot under some other names, the Feast of Booths or the Feast of Tabernacles. Looking for some info. or just curious? You can go to:

My Jewish Learning, Sukkot basics and more, or Sukkot from a social action/social justice perspective.

Enjoy!

Good wishes for another survivor

I hope that Grrl_Inside is feeling better. From her blog on Friday it sounds like she has been having it rough. Sending her and any others who are needing it healing prayers and vibes.

Hmmmm.

Hello. One of the things which happened between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year - this year was Sept. 27, 2003) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement - this year October 6, 2003), is that my sister called. We had our typical conversation, meaning that she had an agenda to call, not to just say hello and see what is up with me. So, she told me what was going on with her and then shared the point of the call - - an invitation for Thanksgiving. She is having Thanksgiving in her apartment - she is having our parents and wants me to come - no friends, no friends there (even though one of my closest friends grew up with the husband of her closest friend - and both couples live close by), just the "family." Awww. How sweet. Not. I hear ambush. When the parents were here (where I live, the Sister lives about a 9 hour drive away) you might remember that one of there purposes of the trip was to "convince" me that they never abused me. Ha. So, the point is that I just can't believe that the Thanksgiving thing isn't at least partially about trying to "convince" me again. I don't think I am going to go.

Thanks for letting me vent & share.
Wishing you a day of healing and hope,
Leah

Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur was Sunday night through sundown yesterday. I was at synagogue all day - exhausting and liturgically powerful, but good.

Wishing you a good day,
Leah

Shavuah Tov (A good new week)

Shavuah tov. Shabbat has ended and a new week begins on the Jewish calendar, the second week of 5764. That means that Yom Kippur is just hours away.

My preparation for the Day of Atonmenet (the most common translation of Yom Kippur into English) continues. It's not an easy day, a very serious day full of intense prayer, an acknowledgement of our mortality, full 24-26 hour food/water fast and a focus on forgiveness. Fortunately, Judaism is clear that for sins of one person against another (like abuse) the perp. has to ask forgiveness from the victim/survivor before God will grant forgiveness. So, I don't have to forgive my abusive parents. Still, a difficult day is coming.

More pages in the survivor web community

Hello. Here are some more pages by survivors:
Save our Children - Stop Child Abuse is a page which states the following purpose, "the purpose of this web site, which began after Paul McLaughlin got his first computer in 1994, is to show what one handicapped survivor has done in the community for the prevention and awareness of child abuse. Paul's goal is not to be a victim, not to abuse self, and not to abuse the community by negative revenge, but to speak out about child abuse and also to work in the communities to heal himself and to educate people about the ‘before/during/after' effects of abuse. Tell your story and also work to save our children in your community. Child abuse or any abuse will continue as long we don't talk about it and don't work to 'help stop child abuse.'"

Tesserae has a series of pages - poetry, art and a bit of a journal.

Survivng to Thriving is a site which describes itself as follows, "This is a site for female and male survivors of sexual violence, including rape, attempted rape, sexual abuse and incest as well as the people who support them. In these pages, you will find my story and the stories of other rape and sexual assault survivors who have chosen to share theirs, as well as information, including pages on healing, medical and legal information for rape and sexual assault survivors, and sections for child sexual abuse and male survivors. If you are the survivor of sexual violence, you know how much how much pain it can cause and how it feels to be so terribly hurt. Please know that you are not alone and that healing is possible. I hope that you will find comfort and healing while exploring these pages. However, some of what is written here may be triggering, so please keep yourself safe. Since this site is a work in progress, please email me with your suggestions and comments."

Wishing you peace, hope and healing,
Leah

Update - Jailed Victim Released

The prosecutor who jailed a rape victim/survivor has let her go, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer. Thank goodness.

Wishing you a day of hope, healing and strength,
Leah

New links

I've been going through all my bookmarks to see if everything is on the blog which should be. So, here are some of the added links:

Survivor Pages:
Healthy Place Abuse Issues Community
Angels of the Web
Survivor Connections


Activist Sites:
Childhelp USA
Nat'l Coalition Against Domestic Violence
Prevent Child Abuse Indiana
Legal Resources for Victims of Sexual Abuse
Silent Witness
New York Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children
Child Abuse Prevention & Education
Survivor's Legal Rights
Advocate Web: Helping Overcome Professional Exploitation
Shine the Light: Sexual Abuse & Healing in the Jewish Community
National Clearing House on Child Abuse & Neglect
Recognizing Child Abuse - how to
Healing after Traumatic Events

I hope some of these links are helpful to you. Wishing you courage, strength, hope and healing.
Leah

Another Redesign

Hi. I was getting bored with the design I've been using for a while, so I'm trying this one. Let me know what you think.

Leah

Jailing the Victim

According to the Cincinnati Post, a rape victim was sent to jail because she didn't show up in court. Was she just shirking her duty? No, even the police admit that she was being intimidated by friends of the rapist. So she went to jail. What a system.

L'shanah Tovah! (Happy New Year!)

A happy and sweet new year to you! Yes, it is the New Year, for us Jews anyway the new year began at sunset on Friday, September 26th. The celebration began then and continues through the next 10 days known as the Days of Awe when we are to reflect on our lives and our actions. This is the time of year when we are especially thinking about correcting our wrongs and asking for forgiveness. In Judaism, God grants forgiveness for wrongs against God - for forgiveness from people we have wronged we have to first seek forgiveness from them. Only after doing so does God forgive us.

I personally find this healthy, especially as a survivor. I don't have to forgive my abusers to be a "good Jew" (I really don't like that phrase.). He and my mother need to come to me. I do need to take care of myself - - that is clearly part of what Judaism says about honoring our souls within, but that is me caring for me - not having guilt about needing to forgive them.

So, these are some of the things on my mind today as I post my first blog of the year 5764.

Shanah tovah (happy new year) and May you be sealed in the book of life,
Leah

Writing & smiling

Hi. It's a glorious day here and as I sit at the computer listening to music (all my own, not downloaded in case anyone from the RIAA is watching) with a smile on my face. The pile of work is slowly lessening as I accomplish tasks. Phew! I still have two big things left to write for Friday and Saturday, but I know that I will finish them tonight .

Just sharing my good news and hoping that you too are having a good day,
Wishing you strength, courage and hope,
Leah

PS - - Speedy healing to J.W!

Doing better...

Hi. Just a quick update. I am doing a bit better, still feeling totally overwhelmed, but better. Thanks Chris and Michelle for the support you commented. I appreciate it.

Wishing us all strength, courage, hope and patience,
Leah

Having a bit of a rough time

Hi. Still here, although fighting the depression and overwhelming amount of work I have to do.

Not much to say

Just a quick post to let ya'll know that I am still here, even though I've not had much to say in the past few days.

Wishing you good things and courage and hope
Leah

Moved the broll

I moved my blog roll further down on the right. Decided to do that since I've been putting more diverse kinds of blogs there which I enjoy reading, but aren't directly on topic of survivorship/Judaism.

A Psalm with comforting lines

On the Jewish calendar we are now in the month of Elul, a time when we engage in introspection in preparation for the Holy Days (Rosh Hashanah - the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur - the Day of Atonement) which begin on Friday night, September 26th at sundown. During Elul, we read/recite Psalm 27 every day. In recent years I have found this psalm to be very powerful - for it speaks of the pain of parents hurting their children. Here is the text as translated by the Jewish Publication Society. Perhaps you too will find it helpful.

Psalm 27
1 Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; from whom shall I be frightened? 2 When evildoers draw near to me to devour my flesh, my adversaries and my enemies against me-they stumbled and fell. 3 If a camp encamps against me, my heart shall not fear; if a war should rise up against me, in this I trust. 4 One [thing] I ask of the Lord, that I seek-that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to see the pleasantness of the Lord and to visit His Temple every morning. 5 That He will hide me in His tabernacle on the day of calamity; He will conceal me in the secrecy of His tent; He will lift me up on a rock. 6 And now, my head will be raised over my enemies around me, and I will sacrifice in His tent sacrifices with joyous song; I will sing and chant praise to the Lord. 7 Hearken, O Lord, to my voice [which] I call out, and be gracious to me and answer me. 8 On Your behalf, my heart says, "Seek My presence." Your presence, O Lord, I will seek. 9 Do not hide Your presence from me; do not turn Your servant away with anger. You were my help; do not forsake me and do not abandon me, O God of my salvation. 10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord gathers me in. 11 Instruct me, O Lord, in Your way, and lead me in the straight path because of those who lie in wait for me. 12 Do not deliver me to the desires of my adversaries, for false witnesses and speakers of evil have risen against me. 13 Had I not believed in seeing the good of the Lord in the land of the living! 14 Hope for the Lord, be strong and He will give your heart courage, and hope for the Lord.

Rituals to help with healing

Last winter, I created a ritual to help me with my healing journey. I wrote it using a variety of sources - a psalm, some creative liturgy, candles, water and the loving presence of friends. Today, I submitted a copy it to Ritual Well, a web site with many many different types of rituals, including quite a few for healing from abuse. To find the ones on abuse go to the home page, click on the pull-down menu labeled "by occasion" and you will see "healing from abuse" then click find. My ritual isn't posted there yet, but I will let you know when it is.

Adding to my Blog Roll

Hi. You might have noticed that I added two blogs, Alas, a blog & An Unsealed Room, to my blogroll on the right. Neither of these are about issues of surviving sexual abuse and its traumas, but the discuss other things which are important to me - feminism, politics and Israel. My blogroll has a mix of political perspectives and viewpoints on it - part and parcel of my attempt to glean from many sources. Enjoy.


Thanks to those who responded to yesterday's question. Keep taking care of yourselves.
Leah

Seeking Your Opinion

Hi. Quick question. I am considering putting a statment at the top of this blog about its content (like a warning/disclaimer). Do you think this is necessary, not needed or going overboard? I'm interesting in hearing what you think.

Take care and have a good night.

Survivor Web Ring

Moriji at Inside the Mind of a Survivor has begun a web ring for incest survivors. The ring's homepage is RingSurf Survivor Blogs and this is another way to create community on the net. Join!

A Supportive Site

If you are a survivor of mother-daughter sexual abuse (or are a significant person in the life of someone who is, or would be interested in the information), you may want to check out Making Daughters Safe Again which has information, support and more. Thanks to Awareness Center for the tip.

Capturing the Friedmans

This weekend I saw the movie Capturing the Friedmans in my local art theatre. I found this movie intense and provocative. The director or producer seems to have chosen to present various sides of the case without coming to a resolution. This troubles me, for the survivor and activist in me wants the resolution of the movie to scream about the pervasiveness of such sexual abuse in our society - in every part of our society regardless of race, religion, gender, socio-economic status or sexual orientation. However, I understand the personalization effect by letting people decide for themselves what happened. Have any of you seen the movie? What do/did you think?

In terms of the potential of this movie to be triggering, I was not triggered directly. However, I did find myself reaction physically (tension etc) to the movie and was able to take care of myself.

If you are a survivor and considering seeing the movie, I recommend that you see it with a safe person and have someone to talk with about it. Or, see it alone and come talk with me about it - either via blog comment or email. I am quite interested to hear what ya'll think.

Leah

A Prayer for the 2nd Anniversary of the Disasters of September 11, 2001 & more

Today I have the opporutnity to give a prayer at a community gathering of remembrance. Perhpas it will help you remember and honor as well.

Dear God, Wellspring of Life and Healer of the Broken-Hearted, we came before you today in the presence of our community to remember and to honor. Help us to remember the nearly 3000 precious souls taken in violence two years ago. Keep in our hearts their families, friends and co-workers. So many acted with courage as they were confronted with horror. Honor them, God and help us to honor their memories.

We pray for the welfare of all who work to lead and protect this land and our freedoms, the men and women of our armed forces, especially the men and women of our National Guard unit currently deployed in Iraq. Dear God, protect them from harm as they engage in their duties which may put them in harms way. Guide them in safety until their journey brings them back to our homes.

Lord, Healer of shattered and saddened hearts, may our prayers of remembrance and honor rise up to heaven comforting us while bringing glory to you and to the souls of our departed. May your loving care surround all your children, here in our local community, throughout our country and our world. May all of soon find the blessings of peace.

Shalom, salaam, amen.


Please take care of yourself and your own recovery and well being on this difficult day. Those of us who have suffered traumas of all kinds, especially child abuse and terror in the home, know well the many after effects of the trauma. I hope and pray that you have a day which is not too triggoring and where you can feel the support of those you care about, as our country reaches out in support of those who lost loved ones, friends, co-workers and a sense of saftey two years ago.

Feeling like an ordinary day

Hi. Tonight feels like an ordinary day. It's funny how quickly routines click back into place. (Today was the first Sunday of the full fall Sundays.) It almost feels like I didn't have all those Sundays off or partly off. Hmmm.

I am such a creature of routine, yet I see the places in my routine where I can be better to myself and more purposeful about my healing. Sometimes, I find it hard to constantly be thinking about what I need to do to be my best. However, while I say that I know that the more I practice good self care and lots and lots of healing work, the more those practices will be my routine. Sometimes self understanding sucks!

Feeling in a weird place,
Leah

Another Blog to add to the Survivor Blog Community

Through Blogwise, I found Inside the Mind of a Survivor. Welcome to the blog survivor/thriver community of hope and support.

The Online Survivor Community Adds Another Member

Take a look at Natalie's powerful posts in her blog Pickle Juice. I learned of this site from Mike and had a reaction quite similar to his (only my tears were at home, not in the office). Welcome Natalie, there are too many of us with similar horror stories, but many of us doing the hard healing work together.

Your sister survivor,
Leah

Thanks for all the support

Hi. I am so touched by how much support I am getting from ya'll - especially JW, E and both Ds (you know who you are). It means more to me than I can say. I am still doing pretty well, focusing on the fact that I know it was the right thing to do. As I said to D2 yesterday - healing is a wonderful thing and I am convinced that my hard healing work helped me understand that I needed out of this relationship. I thank my supportive community of friends and I thank the Source of Life for helping me in my journey.

TTFN,
Leah

The Breakup

Well, I did it. The deed is done. J and I are no longer in relationship. We went out for dinner (as this was his last night in town) and when I brought him back to his aunt & uncle's house, we sat in the driveway and talked. Its sad to no longer be in relationship with him and I will miss his friendship (I hope that we will eventually be friends, but I think we need to cool it off for a while to transition from relationship to friendship), but it was clear to me (even during our conversation) that breaking up with him was the right thing to do.

Thanks to those of you who shared support with me earlier today, it helped.
Wishing you a peaceful evening,
Your sister thriver,
Leah

Activism

A friend of mine (thanks GS) sent me a link to a CNN article which is asking people to vote on whether marriage should be defined as only between a man and a woman. As you may have already realized from my previous posts, I believe in activism for all who are disadvantaged in our society - and the gay, lesbian and transgender community is facing some remaining battles - marriage being one of them. Apparently, the administration is watching the results of this CNN poll - so go vote already!

From your straight sister survivor,
Leah

A Training Tool for Helping Survivors

The "Houston Area Women's Center" has a program which allows those who provide services to survivors to get a taste of the experience of being a survivor of child abuse, incest, rape, violence or sexual assault. The Houston Chronicle has an article about it. I learned about this through Awareness Center newsletter, thanks.

Another New Survivor Blog

Take a look at Shattered Dollhouse, a powerful new survivor blog. Go read and email her if you want to support her in her journey. Let's continue the sense of community which I am finding through this blog. (Hat tip to Mike.)

On a personal note, today is not going to be the easiest of days. I am going to end my relationship with J tonight.

Wishing you a day of healing and hope,
Leah

Another site.

Through Sehlat I have foundanotherl survivor site, Save our Children
.

American Roots of Hitler's Eugenics & Genoice Policies

When Adolf Hitler was researching methods to "rid the world" of what he called the "Jewish problem" and the others he killed, he studied a long-standing American policy of eugenics - forced sterilzations experimentation and more. You can read the details in this JTA story by Edwin Black. You can find more information at the site for his book on the topic, War Against the Week.

This deeply troubling information reminds me of our individual and communal responsiblity to look out for everyone in our communities and in our world.

More Survivor Blogs

You may have noticed that I have added some survivor blogs to the column on the right. I found most of these through Mike at Child Abuse Survivor - thanks, Mike. In my philosophy of using my blog as a tool to connect with a supportive group of survivors and educate ourselves and others, I share them with you.

Here they are:
Vacuity & Movie Reviews
The Jon Jon Diaries
Paradise Ali
Subversive Harmony

Wishing you a good day,
Leah

J is in Town - Thrivership and Relationships

J is finally here (the last two times he had plane tickets and plans to fly in he had to cancel). He will be here a week and hopefully we will have a chance to do some things together.

Being in relationship with J has already shown me many things, one of which is that I can be in a relationship and take care of myself, setting and keeping clear boundries while still being available for my feelings. Wow. Healing is awesome and powerful.

If you are struggling with victim/survivor issues in your relationship - please know that you can take care of yourself and there is nothing wrong with doing so! I wish you much luck and happiness in the relationship department. (Actually, I wish that for myself too. :-) )

Leah

More people fighting the good fight

Here are some web pages by Women Against Domestic Violence. Check it out.

Another survivor blog

I just came across another blog by an incest survivor, Happyface. Let's continue to support each other in our healing.

Leah

Interesting Site called "We Believe Here"

Take a look at We Believe Her, a web site & blog about the woman whom Kobe Bryant allegedly raped. What do you think about this?

Catching Up

Hello. It's been a few days since I've blogged. I guess that I've been feeling stressed out by the approaching High Holy Days and all else that the onset of fall brings. I can't believe it is now 1 month to Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and this weekend is labor day - OY!

Speaking of labor day, I expect to have a fun, relaxing and enjoyable weekend as J will be here tomorrow for one whole week! We haven't seen each other since the beginning of August, which isn't too long, but this is the first time he has been to where I live since the end of May (he had to cancel 2 previous trips because of his health). So, I hope that we have a chance to have some fun, see some friends and just spend some time toghether.

In terms of my healing journey (after all it is the focus of this blog), as much as I enjoy the Holy Days (and I really love the liturgy, the ceremonies, the music and more), they always stir up my survivor stuff. It's been a little different each year (since I started my healing around spring of 1999), since I'm different each year, but they are still tough. In coming days I plan to post some information here about what Judaism says about repentance (teshuvah) and forgiveness of our perpetrators (we don't automatically have to forgive them....come back for more later). Its intense stuff mixed with all the good parts of the holidays. I think I'll keep posting as I process.

Well, I'm posting this at the library and my computer time is almost up, so I'll say ttfn (ta ta for now, in case you aren't a tigger fan),
Thanks for letting me share,
Leah

Wartime Action Figures!

Take a look at Mark Fiore's Wartime Action Figures courtesy of Working for Change. Enjoy!

Supportive Conversation

At lunch after shabbat morning services yesterday, a woman asked me if I had done anything interesting this summer. I shared with her, and the rest of the people at the table, about the conference (Pursing Truth, Justice & Righteousness). They asked probing questions and by the end of the conversation were accepting of the fact that intimate partner abuse (also called relationship abuse or domestic violence) does occur in the Jewish community in the same rate as other communities and the sad fact that it takes longer (statistically) for Jews to reach out for help. The conversation felt empowering and validating of the work which we did at the conference while urging me to continue my work for the cause.

Thanks for letting me share,
Your sister thriver,
Leah

Update on WBloggar

Yeah! I got the title menu to work in wBloggar!

Blog Tool

I came across an AWESOME tool today, w.bloggar, a program for writing to blogs while off or on line, with spell check and many many other tools. I'm using it to write this post. Go play and have fun!

[Update - I struck the "awesome" above because the title feature doesn't work in w.blogger. Otherwise, I like it.]

A sister survivor who is [still] having geeky fun blogging tonight,
Leah

Ever wonder about some of our expressions?

My friend Mike has a post on his blog today about some common expressions in our culture that you might find interesting. Go to Red Letter Day.

Enjoy, and if I don't have another chance to post, Shabbat Shalom to you,
Leah

Blog Makes the Dictionary

With thanks to Chuck's Blogumentary, it seems that blogging has caught on to such a degree that recently the Oxford English Dictionary adds blog, bada bing to dictionary.

Post-Conference Links

I just found some links related to the conference I attended:
News articles about the conference (hat tip to the press site for the conference):
Northern California Jewish Bulletin
Baltimore Jewish Times Conference Preview
Baltimore Jewish Times Conference Follow-up
Chicago JUF News
Religion News Service
Jewish Woman Magazine

And here is just one of the web sites of an organization that was part of the conference (more later) - Shalom Bayit - Bay Area Jewish Women Working to End Violence.

A program to educate people about the issues around violence against women

Hi. While surfing I came across this program on Violence against Women, a Jewish perspective from WUJS, an organization for Jewish Students. When I was a grad. student in Jerusalem I did some programs with people from WUJS and their materials seemed good. Let me know if you have any feedback on this program.

A sister survivor,
Leah

Devastation and Sadness

The situation in Israel is so sad. You can find the latest in this Haaretz - Article. I am familiar with the area where the bus was bombed. Of course, the most devestating thing are the lives lost, those injured and those whose lives were forever changed.

Praying for peace and an end to all violence,
Leah

For When Violence and Pain is Overwhelming

Rev. Marie Fortune has some poetry on her website at the Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence (where she is the director) to help her deal with the pain and hurt of abuse and violence. I hope the beautiful poems there are helpful to you too.

Your sister in survivor and thrivership,
Leah

A great source of information

Go to Jim Hightower's Weblog for a view on what is really going on in this country.

Update, continued...

I'm back to my blog after a long, but productive day. (I find such satisfaction in a productive day. It may be silly, but being productive helps me feel like I am taking care of myself.) I got up and started working on a project for one job at 7am, got it done and then went to another of my jobs and got quite a bit done there and then went and did something else..... you see the flow of the day. Now, carrying this through the week will be great and very necessary as I have SOOOO much to do. ;-)

Back to the meeting and Rabbi Jeff Salkin. If you are at all a spiritual or religious person or if you think about your "spiritual side", he is a good person to read, especially his book Being God's Partner,
How to Find the Hidden Link Between Spirituality and Your Work. He also has written a number of books explaining and helping to create memories for bar/bat mitzvah which you can find at Jewish Lights Publishing.

What a good day it has been. Today, a very dear friend of mine made a big job change and is now working for himself. I am so proud of "Doctor Dave" that I feel like my buttons are bursting. (And no, its not from too much cheesecake this time!) Check out his new website, especially if you live in the Eastern part of Kansas and need computer help.

What else. Oh, as mundane as the weather is I got to do something quite pleasureable tonight - I opened my windows and turned off the AC! The air condition had been running for weeks without a break and tonight it is finally cool and dry enough to open the windows. What a treat. The kitty spent the first few window-open hours sitting on the sills of various windows throughout our home, so I think he likes it too. Unfortunatley it won't last past morning, but hey - I'll take what I can get.

Well, I need to continue to be productive or go to bed, so I'll sign off for tonight.
Take care and know that I wish you much strength, courage and joy,
Your sister thriver,
Leah

Update

It's been a while since I posted something personal on my page. Yesterday, I returned home from a one-day meeting of the UJC Network, a group of small non-federated communities. I personally have had mixed experiences with UJA (their old name)/UJC in the past, but I needed to go for work and I left the meeting wanting to give UJC a chance. The meeting sparked quite a few ideas for the UJC campaign in my small community as well as a few ideas for the congregation in general. It will be interesting to see where things go from here. Will my comfort with UJC/Federation increase or decrease? What will it mean to me as I become involved with the Regional Board for Network (the UJC staff professional for my region asked me to come onto his board)? Hmmm. I guess I will just have to wait and see. My mind is open.

One of the best parts of yesterday's meeting was hearing Rabbi Jeff Salkin speak. His words were full of humor and inspiration.

I need to go now and get back to work. More later.

This is Really Wrong

While reading one of my daily reads, Men Surviving I came across this story about the goverment withholding Green Cards for Gay Immigrants. This is just wrong.

Happy to Be Able to Blog

Ah. Electricity. What a nice thing that I am not taking for granted at the moment. Lucky for me, I still have power.
Wishing you a cool and lit night.
Leah

Steps Taken Against Abusive Rabbis

One of the institutions within Orthodox Judaism has made a ruling against abusive rabbis. You can find an article in the Jerusalem Report Magazine about it. If you get the print version of the Jerusalem Report, take a look at the sidebar next to the article for a short piece on the conference I attended a few weeks ago.
Wishing you a day of strength, courage and hope,
Leah

Censorship in Our Time

If you are at all interested in politics, censorship, or the power of a family to squelch a story, go to today's special broadcast/transcript on Democracy Now about the book Fortunate Son which the Bush family literally had burned (yes, burned) during the early part of the 2000 George W. Bush campaign for President.

The way the Bush family has covered up GW's crimes and whitewashed the criminals of the Regan and Bush I administrations (and brought back many of the same officials who were found guilty of crimes in those presidencies) smacks to me of the troubling and disgusting people who say that we survivors "make up" the abuse. The false memory syndrome people have been proven wrong, yet they keep bringing the stuff up. Bush keeps bringing the lies about the war and about his presidency before the people while ignoring the difficult truths in the past.

So, there's my rant for the day.
Wishing you peace and calm, even though I don't have much of it above,
Leah

Powerful Statement on Forgivness & Judaism

Marcia Cohen Spiegel, a talented and gifted writer, activist and Jewish educator has written a powerful statement on the themes of forgiveness related to sexual abuse. You can find the text at the following link to a pdf file - forgivness-and-high-holy-days - with a hat tip to The Awareness Center.

Shabbat Shalom

Shabbat shalom to you. It seems like a long time since I had a shabbat day at home, well part of the day anyway. (I chanted Torah for one of the local Conservative congregations today, then saw a student.)

I got home from my trip on Thursday night after nearly 12 hours of travel (3 hour drive from where I visited J to my first flight then two flights and a 1.25 hour drive home). The trip was a bit different than I expected, but I am glad that I went there. J ended up spending two days in the hospital, but is now - I hope - finally feeling better. He has really been through it this summer! Besides spending time with J and some of his family, I was able to see a good friend of mine who lives about an hour from where he was. She and I had a great time together and had a chance to get somewhat caught-up. One thing healing has helped me with which I put into major use during the trip is flexibility. That was definately practiced.

Well, there is a bit of an update.
Wishing you a day of thriving,
Leah

34

It's a little weird to post this about myself, but here goes anyway.

Today when I awoke, I did so as a 34-year old. Wow. Young with still so much life to live, but I have to say that as a kid, I never thought I would get this far. Thank God for all the healing that the Divine has brought me over the past years which enable me to reach this day. I am proud and joyful to reach this day and God-willing I will reach many many more.

Friends!

Hi! Just a quick note from the road. There have been a few bumps in my trip, but I am still enjoying the tremendous blessings which friendship and thrivership bring.

With hope that you are finding hope, strength and courage in your day too,
Leah

New Survivor Blog

Christine writes about her story of survival in A Little Unwell, take a look at her powerful site.

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

Tomorrow I have my week of vacation with J! We will be spending it in the Berkshires in western MA, including a Yo Yo Ma concert at Tangelwood, a few plays and seeing my dear friend D who lives in Northampton. I am looking forward to it!

I'm not sure what my computer access situation will be while I'm away, so if I don't blog for about a week, please understand and ya'll come back now, y'hear!

Template Re-Do

Inspired by many of you whom I read who have new designs, I looked for a new skin for my blog and I found one I like at Blog Skins. Thank you to the template designer, 1greeneye. Let me know what you think.

More on My Personal Journey

Tonight I've been sitting in front of the computer thinking. One week ago at this time I was watching Naomi Ackerman perform Flowers Aren't Enough, a powerful (fictional) play on relationship violence. Sitting in the ballroom, surrounded by survivors, activists, professionals and those who support them - sitting next to a woman who quickly became a good friend - I affirmed with the joy in thriving. We go from victim to survivor to thriver as we heal and the journey isn't easy, but it is a journey that we can accomplish.

Yesterday I mentioned that I've been reading Allies in Healing by Laura Davies. I finished the book after dinner tonight and it left me with a strong sense of how much our journey has the potential to impact those whom we care about (and vice-versa). I have leaned so hard on my friends, especially in the early years of discovering and understanding the reality of the abuse and I try to say thank you. I hope that they know how much they mean to me. As I make new friends and share with them the survivorship part of my life, I sometimes wonder if it changes how they see me and how they see our friendship. Being an abuse survivor/thriver is only a small part of me, a part which changes as I grow. I think my friends realize this and come to see all the diverse parts of me.

The conference was so empowering and nurturing while at the same time scary - - so many people there who have walked the path of victim/survivor and G-d willing thriver. Yet, now that at least a part of our Jewish community is FINALLY recognizing the reality of abuse (realtionship abuse at least, there is still a way to go on child abuse & incest) we can begin to make real changes and work to end abuse.

On the first night of the conference there was a survivor speak out. A wonderful courageous woman led the speak out, sharing her story and then encouraging others to do so as well. Women of all ages spoke out and told their stories - - stories of pain, of sadness, of fear and yet stories of courage, hope and strength. I stood up and shared my story too - I began with the "nice Jewish boy" who assaulted me after a nearly year-long realtionship and continued with my father's long-time abuse. Telling my story was harderd than I expected, full of emotion - - a good thing, I think. Good emotion, emotion that fit what I was doing. Now I have shared again and I thank you for listening and reading.

As I carry the hope, courage, strength and resolve of the conference with me into the days, weeks and months to come, I invite you to join me in each doing a little part to stop abuse of any kind.

Leah

DV/IPV Link

Here is another link to help Stop Domestic Violence. Since it is clear that there frequently is a link between domestic violence/intimate partner violence and child abuse (a perpatrator who does one is more likely to do the other), awareness and activism of DV/IPV is also important to me.

Activism Link

The National Clearinghouse on Marital & Date Rape also has some helpful resources.

Men's Activism to End Abuse

Here are two links to men's organizations which work to stop violence. I encourage you to look at their link pages for more!

Men Stopping Violence
Men Can Stop Rape

Thank you to all who are committed to ending violence against women, children and men!
Your sister in thrivership.

J Update

A few days ago, J mentioned to me that he is strongly considering moving to the same city where I live. Hooray! What fun it will be to date normally, rather than long-distance.

On another note, when I travel to see J later this week (for a week-long visit) I am taking him an audio version of Allies in Healing to help him understand a bit more about survivorship. I've been reading a copy of the book myself, so that I can share with him where my journey has been different/same as those in the book. Reading it has led me to reflect on my own journey and has helped me see just how far I have come, as most of the questions/stories in the book deal with the earlier stages of discovery of and healing from child sexual abuse.

In the Desert - Thoughts from a Conference Workshop on a Haggadah for Survivors

One of the amazing workshops I attended at the conference discussed (and then shared) a Passover Haggadah for survivors of Relationship Violence. A Journey towards Freedom: A Haggadah for Women Who Have Experienced Domestic Violence is an incredible piece of work, one which interwove survivor's stories and writings into a journey from slavery to freedom. Part of the workshop was to engage in on of their writing workshop exercises.

Specifically, this writing exercise was titled "Every Journey Brings Blessings: Creating Our Own Blessings Along the Journey" and opened with the following quotation from Rabbi Lawrence Kushner's book Honey from the Rock - "The wilderness is not just a desert thorough which we wandered for forty years. It is a way of being. Even if just for a moment every now and then each day."
The directions were to write about the journey through the desert, answering the following the statments:
1) Where do you find sustenance when you are in the desert?
2) What does it mean to you to be part of a community wandering in the desert rather than wandering alone?
3) Write a blessing for wandering.

I encourage you to engage in the above activities yourself (the time given was 10 minutes).

Here is what I wrote as part of this activity, combining elements 1-3 into one poem.

"Sustenance in the desert.
Nurtured in a place which seems to be devoid of help.
Yet, I lift my eyes.

I reach out toward hope, toward friends, toward God and there. . .
There in the preciousness of presence with another,
There in the gift of listening,
There, dwelling with earth, air, heat, animals people and Shechinah,
Is courage, support, hope.

Arms to hold me up, giving me strength.
Smiles, nods to warm my heart and help me know that
even in the desert I am not alone.

Nevarech et ein ha-chayyim,
v'cho t'varech.
Let us bless the source of life,
for so we are blessed,
Grateful for finding strength, hope, courage and life
Ba-makom, in this place,
Eem ha-Makom, with the One who sustains us."

May you too feel courage, support and hope on your way through the desert.
Your sister survivor with wishes for a Shabbat Shalom, a sabbat of peace and wholeness,
Leah

Another Survivor Blog/Journal

Check out Bonni's Journal of Survival - "The Trinity Pages".

Working to End CSA

Take a look at Generation Five, a group working on many fronts to end child sexual abuse in 5 generations.

I Wish My Mom Was Part of This

Mothers Against Sexual Abuse stands up for kids. I wish my mom had and would.

Thanks to all the couragous moms, daughters, sons and fathers at the conference who are actively standing up against abuse. (This organization was not discussed at the conference.)

I'll post more about the conference before Shabbat.
Leah

Awesome Conference!

The Pursuing Truth, Justice and Righteousness conference was awesome and amazing! I met strong, couragous and hope-filled women who are all out to make a difference in our world and change the horrible reality of relationship violence, child abuse and incest in the Jewish world (and world in general). There is soooo much I want to tell you about it, but it will have to wait for later, as I had very little sleep last night. (My flight was messed up due to the weather and I didn't get back until this morning.) Please check back for more soon.

Your exhausted but inspired sister survivor/thriver,
Leah

Tomorrow it happens! I leave for a 3-day mini-vacation in Washington DC and from there I go to the Jewish Women International (and partner organizations) conference Pursuing Truth, Justice and Righteousness. I am quite excited for the conference. I am going wearing many hats: as an activist, as a survivor and as a rabbi. I look forward to posting all about it. However, it is likely that my posts will be sporadic until next Wed. or Thur.

Take care of yourselves,
From your sister survivor,
Leah

Meow!

Meow from my cat who keeps trying to type on the keyboard.

Sad story

While watching Democracy Now! this morning, I heard the tragic story of Sakia Gunn, a 15-year-old Lesbian, African-American woman brutally murdered in a hate crime in Newark, NJ on May 11, 2003. Her murder was largly ignorned by her school, the city of Newark and the mainstream press. Later today you can find a link to the web stream or transcript at Democracy Now! (it is too soon for it to be up as I post this). One of the people on the Democracy Now segment this morning writes for the Gay City News, and here is one of their stories on the murder.
May justice be found and may all who loved her find her memory to be a blessing.

Pride

I am soooo proud of my friends Dave and Mike - read a news story about them here.

Scary idea

The Village Voice has a scary article about so called "homeland security" measures. This isn't right on target for the topic of my blog, but the idea of personal space/boundries/privacy and saftey does apply, so here it is anyway. Hat tip to Chuck's Blogumentary.

More about why I have this blog

In a comment to yesterday's blog, Chuck asked me about why I have this blog. His question was such a good one, and led me to do some good reflective thinking, that I want to share an extended version of the reasons I gave in the main blog text itslef (see the comments to July 10) for more.

Why I started this blog, part 2 (my first post has part 1)
I started my blog on being an abuse survivor for a number of reasons: 1) Telling/sharing my story helps me to be in touch with the reality of my experience which in turn helps my self esteem (especailly because my family calls me a liar) 2) I seek a community of additional friends who are survivors to learn from their experiences/healing and support them in turn (I do have quite a few friends who are survivors themselves, but one can always use more community and 3) being an activist/educator about the harsh reality of child abuse (1 in 4 girls and 1 in 5 boys is abuse) helps me feel like I can do for others what wans't done for me and 4) Educating about the realities of the existence of abuse in the Jewish community (we like to pretend it doesn't happen to us). Of course, just as many Jews abuse their children or other people's children as other religions/cultures/ethnciities/groups do. I have done some speaking on this very element in the past and hope to again in the future.

It's true....I'm a geek

According to the Geek Test, I am 24.06312% Geek. How about you? Take the test. Thanks to Chuck's Blogumentary for the tip.

Sheltering Link

Would you harbor a woman escaping domestic violence? If not, would you help your local shelter do it? Shelter Our Sister's is one place that does so (via Jeanette's Kitchen).

Let's all do something in the coming days to work to end violence!
Leah

Enjoyable rain

We've been having cycles of typical summer heat + humidity of the day = evening/afternoon rain and storms. This afternoon, I parked my car in the garage, got out and walked around the building through a pleasant, slow easy and warm rain. I actually enjoyed the gentle touch of the rain on my bare arms, face and hair.

It brings me to the nice side of a childhood memory. When I was around 9 to 10, I began going for walks in the neighborhood to escape from the house. I'd go the park and swing - feeling free and flying through the air helped a lot then and is enjoyable now - or I would walk down to the neighborhood lake and crawl into my super-secret-hiding place - the nook next to a drainage pipe. It was a great hiding place - in earshot of home, yet out of sight of the house & the road and I could see someone before they could see me. One day, while sitting there, a similar gentle rain began to fall. A duck family waddled up on the shore near me and I watched the mom duck and dad duck groom and feed the ducklings. They were so cute. In my little secret world, I felt safe, warm and happy. Today's gentle rain reminded me. Thanks for letting me share the memory with you.

Support each other

The Clothesline Project is a great project for raising awareness and helping others. Check it out!

Question - Help me with my travel plans, please.

Hi. I will be in Washington, DC at the end of next week and am looking for suggestions for places to eat (with vegetarian or fish options - especially around the mall area or Arlington) and thoughts about sites I should see. I already plan to go to the Library of Congress, Vietnam Memorial and Holocaust Center.

Looking forward to your input.

"Still I Rise" by Maya Angelou

Thanks to Brynne at Still Rising, here is a powerful poem by Maya Angelou (note that permission was not sought from her) which may help you in your journey.


Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
~ Maya Angelou

A bit of life trivia & a cartoon

Hello. Below I have a link to Tom Tommorow's cartoon This Modern Life for this week. I share it because it resonates with me.

I feel a connection to it as a former Naval Officer (that is my life trivia for you) :-) who is pained by the high expectations and low wages & benefits for our armed services, especially the enlisted ranks.

Here is a link to the cartoon, titled Technical Bifficulties.

Wishing you a day with laughter and courage,
Leah

Amber Alert

Thanks to Mike, I have placed an Amber Alert ticker at the bottom of my web page.

Yet more links

Two more links (from the Resources/Support/Activism heading):

*Pandora's Box (270+ pages here!)
*The Survivor's Forum

Your sister survivor,
Leah

A slew of links

I've been going through my personal bookmarks today, and decided to link a bunch of sites, quite a few of which I found helpful. I hope some are of help to you. They are listed in the box on the right, but in case it is too overwhelming to try to figure out what is new, here are the new ones:


*Butterflies
*Courage to Heal (personal page, not the book)
*Gentle Touch (personal story and resources)
*GhostWolf - Out of the Abyss
*Grrl Survivors
*Healing for the Soul
*Still Waters Run Deep
*Survival story from the American Boychoir
*Survivor Haven
*Survivor Journey (personal story and resources)
*Survivor's Page
*Time for Healing

Good morning

Good morning. I had a nice weekend, if not quite as productive as I hoped.

I had a great dinner last night with friends, inlcuding Joby whose poems (Hope & Choices) I've blogged here (thanks again, Joby) and his fiance S with our mutual friends M & E. Friendship plays such an important roll in my life, as my friends are truly my family of choice.

Wishing you a day of support, courage, hope and friendship,

Your sister in survivorship and hope,
Leah

A bit of politics...

As you know, this isn't a political blog. However, every once and a while I see a link that is too good to pass up. There is a cartoon done by a man named Tom Tomorrow called This Modern World, and this week's titled Play it as it Lies" is a doozy. I post it, as part of my "Turn-of-phrase" post on June 30th and Mike's comment on my that post.

More links

Wow. I little surfing today has been powerful. Seeing so many resources out there for survivors is encouraging and disheartening. People are there for us in ways they weren't before, yet the need for such support is still there. God willing, we can all do our part to stopping all forms of abuse - especially child sexual abuse.

Here are some more links:
PARR - Pittsburgh Action Against Rape
Adult survivors of CSA (from PARR)
Breakthrough Options
Story on the power of sexual abuse in a child's life (By the way, I disagree with the very last statement in this story, specifically the one which reads, "Thirdly and most importantly...forgive the perpetrator and those who should have protected us." The importance of forgiveness of the perpetrator is an element of Christian Theology, but not a factor in the same way in Judaism. According to Judaism, if the perpatrator admits his/her wrong and asks directly for the survivor's forgiveness, then the survivor must consider forgiveness. Even in this case the survivor is not seen as needing to grant forgiveness unless the perp. repeatedly asks for forgiveness in a serious way.)
Survivor Circle - Recovery through Art
Healing Hopes - Site for those with DID & those who support them

Again, a day of freedom and hope to all,
L'shalom,
Leah

A book I wish was around when I was little...

I just came across a book (hat tip to Voices in Action) that I wish was around when I was younger, Kids Helping Kids: Break the Silence of Sexual Abuse. You can read a powerful excerpt called Faith's Story, see the table of contents, read reviews and more. I applaud the author and the kids couragous enough to put their story in writing. I hope they have felt the freedom that recovery and healing can bring.

On this day of freedom, may you come to feel the freedom and hope which healing has brought me.

A Sister in Survivorship,
Leah

Music for the soul

I went to a piano competition today and heard two performers - a man from Italy and a woman from Canada. They played pieces by Liszt, Brahms, Beethoven and Rachmonioff. Their beautifuly played selections had a wide range of moods, emotions and energy. I listened letting my mind, heart and spirit wander where the music took me.

Music can be so healing. Music reaches part of my soul that seem to be out of reach in other ways, even though Judaism is so central and important to my daily life. For as much tzuris (pain, suffering for those of you not familiar with Yiddish) as my parents caused me, I am grateful for the years of music lessons, concerts and Judaism that they gave me. In some ways, the situation with my parents would be easier if things were all bad or all good, but life isn't that easy. Complexity. Life.

Well, that's the installment on my life & healing journey for now,
Your sister survivor,
Leah

12 for Incest Survivors

Do you think the 12-step format might help you? If so, go to SIA Survivors of Incest Anonymous

New Abuse Blog

SiteMeter is great! While looking at who has come to my blog today, I learned of a new blog in the world of blogs about abuse survivors. The blog is called My Story Finding Me and I wish the author luck in the healing journey and enjoyable blogging.

Your sister survivor,
Leah

Another touching poem from Joby

The following poem by Joby was shared with me today. It strikes me as not only fitting to what I know from Joby's life, but also applying to a conversation I had with my J (significant other) today. Thanks, Joby, for sharing your heart with me and those who read this blog. I enjoy your poetry and your spirit, even though you are Christian and I am Jewish and we choose to worship/pray/name God in a different way, I appreciate the beauty which shines through your words. Here's the poem (see the June 18, 2003 archives for the other poem by Joby):

”Choices”

Flip a coin into the air
at your crossroads
and say a prayer.
Hope to get it right.
Lady luck can shine on you
in the soft morning light,
but she may vanish quickly
without a whisper
during the stillness of the
lonely night.

Spark a match,
and watch it flame.
Catch the quivering heat
pulsating through
the indecisive brain.
Flicker from flights
of fancy and faith.
Shudder in fear
or come closer to truth.

Except for the actor,
no one knows their
true life’s course.
When faced with choice,
we seek direction.
We can listen to the evangelists,
con men, hookers, or grand stand politicians.
Otherwise, we can listen carefully
to our friends and family
and follow the spirit of gentle recovery
that flows intuitively
within a loving trinity.

God will guide us.
Upon this fact, we can
forever rely.
Closer remaining with Him,
His grace and love
will never abandon us,
even until the day that we die.

What does Reform Judaism say about last week's Supreme Court ruling?

See the following links: (hat tip HUC)

Religious Leaders React to Texas Sodomy Law Ruling [from Weekend Edition - Sunday, Sunday , June 29, 2003] NPR's Allison Aubrey gets reaction from several religious organizations on the Supreme Court's decision to overrule a Texas law banning sodomy.

You can hear the radio clip of the story by opening the NPR page, clicking on the headline or the audio icon to listen to the story. You'll need an audio player to hear it and you can find the right one for your computer at players. If you have any problems, please visit the NPR audio help page.

Want a transcript of this story?

Thanks to npr, radio for your world