Turn-of-phrase

I just had a thought. My father's repeated, "I did not abuse you..." reminds me of Clinton's infamous words, "I did not have sex with that woman..."
:-)

Parent visit update

I had breakfast with the parents this morning. We spoke about a vareity of things, eventually getting to "meatier" topics. I shared with them a tiny bit more about my current life than I have before (still haven't told them about J). Throughout I watched my father fidget and squirm, appearing increasingly uncomfortable. "He is about to burst," I thought, "here it comes." No volcanic erruptions, surprisingly no tantrum or outburst. Response (to my confrontation of them 2.4 years ago) there was, however. Basically it boiled down to total denial of any physical or sexual abuse of me. To quote him "I am not that kind of person." HA! As if! Interestingly, no denial of verbal/emotional abuse. He even apologized for a screaming/yelling/judemental/abusive reaction he had to something I said years ago. So far, this is pretty typical for them (although 1st time the abuse has been so openly discussed since confrontation in 2/2001) - "impressive" that he didn't yell. Howver, his body language was quite telling - closed arms over his chest and he couldn't look me in the eye. I made concentrated effort to maintain constant eye contact with him but he couldn't do it with me - especially during his denials of the abuse. Methinks that is telling.
They are trying. Trying to get me to take it back, to return to our "formerly close family." Yeah. Right.
I sounded like a broken record - "to have a beginning of a relationship with me beyond superficial things you have to be willing to let me believe what I believe about my childhood." Not once did they say okay. So, they aren't willing to meet me even half way yet. (Yes, I still hope. Foolish, probably, but I do.)
One more funny thing, then I need to get back to work. My mom said at one point, "I think I have an idea why you believe what you do about this. Remember your promiscuous college roommate (who used to have sex with guys in our room while they thought I was asleep)? Maybe that has made you think what you do." (She couldn't even say abuse.) Excuse me - I (wrongly in her mind) know that dad abused me and it is because of my college roommate??!! (They've tried the old 'therapist put the memories there' crap and I've cleared it up.)
Okay, back to work.
Thanks for reading and joining me on the latest installment of my healing journey.

Wishing my brothers and sister survivers strength, courage and hope,
Leah

Some new links

You may have noticed that I added some new links in the right column. Most of them deal with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - a sizable component of my own healing journey.

Laila Tov,
Leah

A bit sad and a bit glad

I spoke with J a few hours ago. Unfortunately, he still doesn't feel well and has decided to cancel his trip here. (He was scheduled to arrive on Tuesday and stay for a week.) It has been a month since we saw each other, which isn't as bad as it could be, but both of us were looking forward to seeing one another. (I have plans to go to see him in another month, we'll just have to wait until then to be together.) The worst part of it is that he too really wants to come, but with how he feels, he'd spend the whole week sleeping - why should he travel many many miles just for that? I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better besides be supportive, encouraging and caring. Oh the joys and pains that comes with relationships. Life.

On a totally different note - - I saw the "parents" again last night (they did indeed come to services) and it wasn't too bad. How wonderful it is to know that I can take care of myself around them, not fall into their traps and not feel like I have to kow-tow (?) to my father's wishes/view of world etc. Healing is wonderful!! Thanks to all of you who have helped me on the way! :-)

Testing my blog on Windows CE

This is a test to see if I can update my blog from my handheld computer. Hopefully this will work.

Pride

Congratulations to all my friends/family who are directly affected by the supreme court's momentus decision regarding the privacy and legitamacy of intimacy between same sex couples. This ruling was a long time coming and makes an important recognition of same sex couples. Many blogs have been discussing this, see especially my friend Mike's blog and the comments there. Congratulations as well to our society which takes another step towards tikkun olam (repairing the world) and treating all people as they should be treated.

A bit more about last night

Thanks to those of you who checked in with me about last night's dinner with the parents. I really appreciate it.

Wishing you a day of happiness, courage and hope,

Leah

Dinner with the parents.

Well, I did it. I just got home from having dinner with my parents. It is always amazing to me how "okay" and "healthy" a family can look on the surface. Scratch a little bit though......and all the disfunction, power games and abuse comes out. My family is still trying to prove to me that there was no abuse in the house and that I'm a big fat liar (their words weren't that nice), but I know it all happened. Likewise I know that they will likely never ever admit it, apologize or such.

I chose a very yummy restaurant that I knew everyone would like and at which all would be able to find something they enjoy as well as being a nice enough place that my father was not likely to make a scene. Between that and placing myself as far away from my father as possible at the table and making small talk about other things; the dinner expereince was okay. Perhpas the most telling element of discussion was when I mentioned to them that I will be attending the upcoming conference Pursuing Truth, Justice and Righteousness: A Call to Action, The First International Conference on Domestic Abuse in the Jewish Community. The king and queen of denial didn't say ONE word.

So, I have spent time with them and they will likely show up for erev shabbat services tomorrow where I will be (which is okay) and I think that'll be it for time with them during their trip here (they are in town until Monday evening).

I have survived intact, happy and (if I can say so) proud of myself.

Your sister survivor,
Leah

Bibliographic Resource

Are you looking for resources on sexual and domestic violence in Jewish life? An exhaustive and amazing bibliography can be found at Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse.

Inspiring Quotes

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. . . You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscioius." - C.G. Jung

Both of these quotes are via: Rachel Lev's web site for her book Shine the Light: Sexual Abuse and Healing in the Jewish Community. (btw - The site has quite a number of resources beyond her book.)

Enjoy,
Your Sister in Thrivership, Leah

Book

I just finished reading The Weblog Handbook: Practical Advice on Creating and Maintaining Your Blog by Rebecaa Blood of Rebecca's Pocket. I learned about the book from her recent appearance on The Screen Savers, got it from the library and found it very helpful and intersting, especially for a beginning blogger like me.

Enhanced Comments Now Possible

Hi. As you may have noticed, I use BlogExtra's Back Blog as my comment provider. I continue to enjoy it. Today, I updated and changed my format and have made it possible for there to be feedback to feedback threads. So, for those of you who asked about the ability to have a discussion within my blog itself, now we can do it. Click on the "what do you think?" or "look at what this person said" or " x comments, last by xxx" to participate in the discussion. Thanks.

Wishing you a good day,
Leah

Smiles and tears

Each of us has different abilities, challenges and talents. The current issue of the magazine Olam is on the diffeerntly abled. The stories, first-hand accounts and illustrations there put a smile on my face and tears in my eyes.

Enjoy

Interesting Link and More

I came upon an interesting blog today about a woman who has fled an arranged marriage and her life She's a Flight Risk is an interesting read. I wish her courage in all her adventures. Thank you to Sarah at TechTv's The Screen Savers for the initial link which I followed.

Regarding me...
I haven't been reflecting on survivorship and Judaism issues today, which is okay. I find myself working on these issues consciously and unconscioulsy at various times. For example, I know I will be working hard at the end of the week when my so-called parents are visiting the area where I live. Of course, they are pressuring me to spends tons of time with them, but I plan only on eating dinner out with them (at a rather nice place with other people at the table so my father is less likely to make a scene) and that's all. They know what they have to do to have a realtionship with me - admit their abuse and be honest about it. So hmm, in reflection, I guess I am thinking a bit about survivorship stuff today, s'ok.

Today I've been firming up some of my summer travel plans - an upcoming conference about which I am quite excited and a week vacation/trip to where J ( btw J my "significant other" is not the Joby who wrote the poem I posted on 18/06/03) is spending the summer. It will good to spend the time with him and nice to also visit a friend of mine who lives within a two-hour drive.

J and I spoke today for the longest amout of time in quite a while. It was nice to talk about some things beyond how he feels. I really hope he starts to feel better soon. He is just so miserable and so frustrated - imagine having a month-long headache! Hopefully the new doctors he will be seeing soon will have some good advice.

Well, that's enough for now.
Wishing you a good remainder of the weekend,
Leah

A Chanced-on Sermon

It occured to me today that it might be interesting to see if anyone else has a blog or web site with "Leah's life" in the title. So, I googled it and found a number of interesting things, including a Yom Kippur 5760/1999 sermon by Rabbi Janet Marder titled "I Believe" in which she includes the powerful story of a girl named Leah. It's a moving sermon which you can find at I Believe.

Important Book

Rachel Lev recently published a phenominal book on the issue of child sexual abuse and Judaism. The title is Shine the Light: Sexual Abuse and Healing in the Jewish Community.

I resonated with many of the stories told in the book (Rachel tells her story as well as other contributors), appreciated her teachings about elements of family dynamics in our culture (Jewish culture and the intersection of Jewish and American culture), and the many helpful chapters on hope, survivorship and thrivership. The extensive appendicies provide resources, helpful hints and rituals to use in our healing.

Here is a quote from Rachel Lev's website on the book:
"Take an extraordinary journey into the stories, minds, and hearts of adult Jewish survivors of sexual abuse and incest and those who care about them. This book offers the rare opportunity for survivors to speak for themselves, through first-hand accounts, poetry, and artwork, beautifully reproduced in color."

Your sister survivor.

Shabbat Shalom

Greetings and Shabbat Shalom.

May this Sabbath be a time of wholeness, comfort and peace for you and those whom you love.

In peace, hope and friendship,

Leah

Thinking

Thanks again to Joby W. for letting me post his poem.

Well, for a long time now I have been pondering the various elements of connection between thrivership and Judaism. Judaism has always been a place of comfort, "at home" feelings, strength and encouragement. Since the early years of my Jewish education, a connection to Jews around the world and throughout time draws me in. When I read from the Torah or study from pieces of the Jewish literature which spans about 3,000 years, I am continually struck by the similarities between our lives and the lives of those who have come before us. They had joy, hope, sadness, despair, courage, regret, celebrations, community and friendship - just as we do. The texts reflect their lives. Even what isn't visible in the texts reflects their lives. Call me an optomist or call me off the mark, but I absolutely 100% believe that biblical, ancient, rabbinic and medieval women all participated in the Jewish community AND in Jewish literature. They discussed and wrote about their lives. True, we have only scant textual evidence of their writings, but much of that has to do with the keepers of the "offical" texts we have today. Who has kept and passed down those "official" texts of the periods? Men. Now, women are doing more writing, more creative liturgy, more story-telling, more integration of our lives with Judaism, Jewish text and Jewish wisdom (If you want just one site with some examples go to http://ritualwell.org). Just because women weren't in "official" positions and just because their voices weren't always heard by the men (their are some women's voices in the so called offical texts) certainly does not mean that they were silent. Judaism has a place for me and my story. It's not out of place. Sadly, it is not unique. Oh, how I wish it were. But, it is not.

When we share our stories with each other (one of the big reasons I started this blog) we create community. A community of presence can be over time (like the Jewish women of ancient or midieval or modern days with whom we resonate), over space (a great beauty of the internet) and across generations. I celebrate my community of sister/brother survivors, those who support us, my friends, my colleagues and those who share with me the desire to change the world. Feeling part of such a community is one of the reasons Judaism has been so important to me. The community of my synagogue and the other kids in my religious school classes was one of the first I knew where I felt comfortable. Public school didn't do that for me, there I felt like an outsider (especially before the last 2 years of high school). So, there is an element of my continuing connection to my Judaism.

Debate and discussion has long been a core componet of Judaism. Ever heard the expression "two Jews, three opinions"? Often used as a stereotype or cliche, it is often true. Judaism does not demand of us perfect un-questioning faith. We find faith, we in fact strengthen our faith with questions and discussions. So, for me to ponder my life expereinces, for me to ponder why bad things happen in this world, why humans are so destructive - - that is part of "doing Jewish." Such questioning gives me room to journey throughout all the parts of my life and to lean on my faith, to ask questions and know that God does not punish me for them, to be reassured that whether or not I find "the answer" that asking itself has value. By being able to question God, Judaism and my spirituality, I can question and challenge where I wasn't permitted to do so in my home. As a kid, questions were okay in my home. Okay, that is if we had the right "answer" and that answer was always whatever my father deemed the right answer to be - even if he said night was day. His was the ONLY acceptable (or even rational) viewpoint. As a little one, I learned fast to live in his box of how he sees the world (I was two when the sexual and verbal abuse started). How liberated I felt to realize, as a young adult, that I didn't have to live in his box anymore. (I didn't really even have to as a teenager but when I lived in that house and for a few years after, I couldn't see it.) Thank God I understand this now. So, now you might understand a bit more why questions are so comforting on so many levels.

I think what I am coming to realize (and what I want to articulate today) is that God, Torah and Judaism integrate quite well with survivorship and thrivership. Judaism helps me feel safe, be safe, be comforted and find courage in my journey from victim to survivor to thriver.

Wishing you community, courage, hope and questions too.
Leah

Poem

Hi. I hope that you have had a decent day. My day turned out pretty good. Fulfilling work and little survivor side-effects junk.

Monday night at dinner, I read a poem by Joby W. He gave me permission to share it with you. I think you will find it quite powerful.

Enjoy it.
Leah

"Hope"

Somewhere over the rainbow
and down the gray city streets,
I feel a cool, damp wind
silently cross past my long shadow.
A distant murmuring
from the huddled masses
apathetically repeats
a feeling of confused discontent,
as it indifferently retreats
into restless dismay.

A broken man with a wild eye
aimlessly passes by
yet another stranger.
This wrecked spirit
once had warmth and comfort
but now only struggles towards
spare change.

As he shuffles closer to me,
I can sense the ever loving presence
of God giving chance and hope
to both this homeless man,
His child,
and me, His servant.

Fear and shame echo
in the shaken voice
of this desperate man,
as he pleads for just a quarter.
His empty eyes shift sharpley downward,
before I reply with tidings of joy
that it was always my gift to give
ever since I became a recovering boy
with a new found hope to live.

A humble smile of genuine appreciation
grows gradually
across his parched lips
that speak words of wonder and thanks
for a simple monetary exchange
between his welfare and my endowment.

At night's end,
I am far away in person
but close in prayer to the vagabond
that gave me a greater blessing today
than ever I could return,
for he sparked the fire of hope
within me
that will always burn.

One a time,
we can change the entire world
for the increasing better.
Lord, this is my hope of things to be.
If your goodness should shine,
please let it begin with me.

Quick Note

Sorry not to have posted yesterday. Things got a bit hectic with the ol' schedule.
So far today is going well - I hope it is for you too.

I will post more more of substance later tonight.

Take care,
Wishing all my brother/sister survivors courage, strength and hope,
Leah

Nice Evening! :-)

Hello. It's Monday night, and I have had such a nice evening. A long-time friend, M, called me this afternoon to let me know he was in town for a few days, and we ended up having dinner with our mutual friend (whom I met thorugh M), S, at S's home. We had such a nice time. M made a delicious and nutritious (?sp) meal, and the conversation, friendship and sharing was even better.

They reminded me how blessed I am to have wonderful friends. God has blessed me.

I couldn't believe how much I now have in common with S. S's fiance and my J have so much in common. Very interesting. Hopefully, when J comes in town for a visit in two weeks we can all get together.

Tomorrow, when I have a bit more energy, I want to share with you a poem that S's fiance wrote. So beautiful. Wow.

Anyway, it's actually already "tomorrow" so I think I will head to bed for some zzzs.

Wishing you hope, courage and peace,
Leah

More Good News!

Hooray! I just got off the phone with B, and B too is out of the hospital and will travel home by plane tomorrow! I'm so happy that at least 2 of the people I care about are doing well!

Yeah. I hope this Monday is a good day for many many people!

Take care.

Good news

Good morning. Here's the good news. I just brought R home from the hospital! Yeah! (see yesterday if you don't know what I am talking about.)

More later.

Less Angry Now

Good evening. Just wanted to let you know that I am much less angry now. In fact, writing the blog itself helped me calm down. Writing and knowing that others might read it is so helpful, as it makes things feel more "real." Of course, I know that the abuse happened to me regardless of who I tell and how people respond to the information, but feeling the support of others and seeing the written word helps.

So - my day in a sense added to my stress and healed it at the same time. A good friend of mine (R) is in the hospital here where I live (around the corner from me, actually) and I went to sit with R a couple of times during the day. We didn't talk much, mostly I just sat and tried to be there with him. Then, I went and had dinner with some extended family in town. A mixed bunch, to be sure, but it was a good meal and okay conversation. Some hard things, but that's okay. So - bikkur cholim (the mitzvah, or commandment to visit the sick) and honoring family - both in one day.

Helping others helps me. Maybe it does for you too, even though it is a cliche. Going and vising R in the hospital felt particularly like the right thing to do because another person who is very important to me (B) has been in the hospital in another city, and I haven't been able to go and visit. I call B and wife each day to lend my support and get an update, but it's just not the same. So thank you to R who let me sit with him.

Well, that's all for now.
Thanks for reading.
Leah

Father's Day Sucks!

Again it is father's day. I really don't enjoy this day at all. Television and society are filled with images of the "perfect father" and how we should all be greatful. Ha. I wish that I could celebrate L (the "father"), that he was a decent human being instead of a molesting, abusive, insulting BASTARD! (Gee, guess I am feeling angry, eh?)

I still occasionally speak with the so-called parents and I know they are goiong to try to give me flack for not calling, writing or sending a card or gift to dear ol' dad (gag).

Yuck yuck.

Sorry that this isn't more inspirational, isn't more about healing. But part of healing is acknowleging feelings and where we are - so angry and upset will have to do for now. I promise not to stay stuck here.

Leah

Thoughtful art, prayers and more

Shabbat Shalom.

Today, after shabbat morning services and lunch, I went to the local modern art museum. What an amazing place! I was reminded of the power of art to move us when we are open to it. Quite a few of the exhibits delt with human interaction and relationships. The exhibts disquieted and comforted me. The flow of sounds, people, images and music wrapped around my mind and my spirit, encouraging me to open up, take risks and let the art move me. Sometimes I felt as if I never left the room of wind (there is a room with 75 mph wind) as my emotions blew like my hair did. Other times, the art calmed and centered me. The blessings and challenges of art. I look forward to going back there.

A bit more about me

Where I (mostly) grew up:
An awesome upper midwestern state (a great place to live all 4 seasons!)

Some of the other places where I have lived/worked:
Israel
Indiana
Montana
Michigan
Texas


Favorite places include mountains, forests and wide-open spaces.

On that why question.

Tonight (Thursday night 6/12), as I was standing outside in the mist taking care of my neighbor's cute (and spolied and cuddly) dog Giget, the good ol' "why" question came to mind. Why did my dad abuse me? Why did my mom neglect me and participate in my dad's emotional abuse? Wny didn't someone notice the tell-tale signs? Why? I don't know. I don't think my father and mother are crazy, I hold them responsible for the choices they made each and every time they abused me as a kid and each and every time they deny it and attempt to continue the emotional abuse and manipulation now.

One thing I do know is that I can't change the past. I can only change how it affects me. Thank God for the courage and the hope to do the hard work of healing. I can't imagine my life right now without the journey - - even the tough and horrible parts. Because I can't separate the parts of me that I am proud of and think are my assets from the abuse - maybe my empathy, my ability to listen, to accept people no matter what are touched by the abuse. Maybe I wouldn't be this way if I grew up in a "healthy" and "integrated" family. Who knows.

I think of the story of Dinah in the Torah. Dinah's story is so painful and so hurtful it is a wonder that it is still in the biblical text. Of course, we only know one thing about her - that she was raped. And what did her famiily - her brothers - do when they found out? They went and demanded that all the men of Shechem (the town where she was raped) be circumcised. The brothers demand this in the name of their father Jacob and when the king complies, the brothers murder and pilage most of the town. Disgusting. Horrible. Dinah is raped and that's all we know about her. But even though that is all that is in the text, it isn't all that we know. We can imagine what her epxerience was like - imaginings and questions that many have asked since ancient days - in a genre of literature called Midrash. An excellent modern book asks these questions too and completely reframes Dinah's experience - The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. Read it. So why, at 1:30 in the morning am I thinking about Dinah. I don't just think it is sleep deprivation. I think that Dinah's story, like many of the painful stories in the Bible, are there to help us see that we are not alone. We are not alone in our suffering, we are not alone in our pain and - we are not alone in our recovery. We can grow, and change, find courage and friendship and even love and we can thrive.

So, enough wanderings through my mind for tonight.
Laila tov (Hebrew for good night),
Leah

Doing some blog surfing of my own.

Hello. Well tonight (while waiting for news of a dear friend who is in the hospital for the second time this week) I have been doing some surfing to find sister/brother blogs which have some connection to healing from sexual abuse. It is nice to see so many people out there sharing their thoughts, their journeys and their hope. Of course, there shouldn't have to be so darn many of us!

Here are just a couple (there are so many out there):
Child Abuse Survivor
Infinite Pink
Angels of the Web

Why do I do this? Becuase I have felt very clearly the importance of community in my healing. My friends who are themselves survivors (some of us were friends for years and years before even talking about it) just understand in a way that few others can. So, if you know of a site that I should see, comment below or email me (LeahShalom@hotmail.com)

Thanks

PS - Keep reading and watching to see if I like them enough to put them (and others) in my links.

Powerful poetry, sad and powerful story.

On this tribute page are three powerful poems, that I resonate with in various ways. This site is part of the Survivor's Forum.

Wishing my fellow survivors strength, courage and hope,

Leah

Welcome to my blog on my first post.

Hi. My name is Leah and this is my first post to my new blog. Hooray. Thanks for being here. This is a blog about one aspect of my life, the hard reality that I am a survivor of incest. My father molested me from age 2 to my teen years, and like many mothers, my mom did nothing to stop it. The journey to healing has been an interesting one (perhaps you can relate to that) and has been greatly helped by three main things: 1) AWESOME and supportive friends 2) a good therapist and 3) God and Judaism. (Now don't go assuming about that.)

I start this blog today to 1) share my story (telling helps), 2) to help others who sadly know all too well about this and 3) to explore the integration of Judaism with my healing journey.

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to your comments.