Mom - A Complicated Word...Complicated Relationship...A Request for Advice

I've been dealing with being abused for many years.  I've done some healing  about the abuse.  I think that I'm in an okay place regarding my father.   I'm angry with him and I know that it is okay to be angry with him, to blame him and to place the shame of the abuse where it belongs - - on him.  (As simple as it sounds, it took me years to get here.)

Things are more complicated when I think about my mother.  Why?  Well, in many ways she failed me as a mother.  She didn't protect me.  She didn't stop my father.  Yet, it isn't that simple because she too is abused by my father.  Throughout the time I was growing up in my parents' house my father emotionally abused my mother, belittled her family, belittled her dreams, belittled her accomplishments and worst of all routinely sexually abused her in front of me and my sister (and even my friends! when they were at the house).  So, the part of me that knows that she is a victim, that she is depressed and that she too is stuck feels sorry for her.  How can I blame her?  Yet, I'm her little girl and she didn't protect me.  How could she not protect her little girl?  I feel protective of my friends' kids, of my students, of kids in the neighborhood.  How much more the maternal instinct must be.  Why didn't she protect me?  So thus it is complicated.

To my sister and brother survivors and thrivers - - if this resonates with you what advice do you have for me?  If your situation is similar how do you handle it?  Thanks in advance for your comments.

Jewels of Elul - Difficult Parents

We are in the middle of the month of Elul, the month on the Jewish calendar during which we prepare for the Jewish High Holy Days of Rosh Hashanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement).  Preparation takes many forms, including study and self-reflection.  Craig Taubamn put together a program called Jewels for Elul.  Each day of Elul he shares the words of a scholar, teacher, leader or person in the public eye.  The snippets cover many topics. 

Ever since I read Sunday's words by the journalist David Gregory, I have found myself returning to his words about forgiveness and difficult parents.  This can be a hard time of year to deal with abusive parents.  Judaism teaches that we do not have to forgive them for the abuse - especially if they don't ask us for forgiveness.  (In Judaism one is not forgiven by G-d for a sin against another person until one has asked that person for forgiveness.)  The relationship I have with my parents continues to change - - sometimes in a good place and often not.  Yet, I know that I must continue to come to terms with the abuse of my childhood in order to continue to heal.  This does not mean forgiving the abuse.  It means doing what I can to live as a survivor & thriver. 

David Gregory connects forgiveness with being good to others. 

"As Jews, we are obligated to honor our parents in the way we honor God. The idea reflects a simple truth: without them, we wouldn’t be here.
Such an obligation, however, is not always easily met.
I have struggled with my parents as I make sense of my childhood and what I think could have and should have been different.
At times, my relationship with them has been badly strained.
What has brought me back is my commitment to what God expects of me and what it takes to become a giving person...."

Read his entire statement at Jewels of Elul, go to 17 Elul, "The Gateway to Love."