Dealing with difficult memories

Guy Winch says that how we look at our difficult memories can help us heal.  Lifehacker has an article about his idea.

http://lifehacker.com/make-a-slight-change-in-perspective-to-minimize-painful-1325509215?utm_campaign=socialflow_lifehacker_twitter&utm_source=lifehacker_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

Joy!

Who was it that said "joy cometh in the morning?"  These days I feel like a new person and that a new day has dawned.  I'm in a new relationship with all of the excitement that it brings. 

I feel so safe and comfortable with this person.  When I shared my family issues he responded with such kindness and sincerity.  We have shared a lot with each other, building on 6 months of friendship as we now date.    I can't wait to see where this goes.

Your sister thriver,

Leah

Back to...Life....Back to....Therapy

The realization crept up on me, slowly, like an old acquaintance.  I recognized its presence yet didn't engage.  Finally, I decided to pay attention.  It was time to go back to therapy.  So, I found a new therapist - with the help of some people I trust - and have had 3 sessions.  It is good to be back and work on the next steps of my healing journey.

Thanks for reading and thanks for letting me share.
Your sister survivor-thriver,
Leah

Survivorship, Friendship and Healing

I never expected that the things that are helping me recover from the abuse may help a cancer survivor.

A friend of mine is battling breast cancer.   She is in the midst of her second round of chemo and has radiation and then reconstructive surgery to go.  In the midst of her cancer fight, she has been faced with problems with her children.  The kids are young adults who can't/aren't able to help their mom (even emotionally.)  She's really been struggling with this.  She knows my story, including the years that I barely spoke with my parents.  She asked me about the decision, what it was like and what it has been like to be able to reconnect with them.  What I didn't expect was that some of the tools I used to handle triggers, conversations and interactions with my family would help her.  

This weekend over coffee my friend told me about an article she read.  In the article an incest survivor who was a competitive diver told of taking back her power by screaming "no more" while at the bottom of a dive pool.  She came up for air strengthened and determined to survive and thrive.  I don't know the name of the article or the name of the diver.  My heart and inner chile cheered for that girl.

May we find strength, courage, healing and hope.

My Body, Myself - Fear, Healing and Body Image

As a survivor, I've often felt uncomfortable in my skin.  Some reading I did earlier in my healing journey helped me understand that this is partly because my father's abuse began before I had an understanding of where my body began and ended (the abuse began around 2).  I've heard that many survivors face this issue, regardless of the timing of the abuse.

I never believed people when they told me that I was pretty and in fact being told I looked good set off deeply-placed alarms that I didn't really understand.  I felt that looking attractive was a problem.  Why?  Because I was trying to find a way out of the abuse - - while I was still living in my parent's house and even afterwards, up to and through some of the healing process.  When I turned to food for comfort, I got the (backwards) "benefit" of gaining weight and therefore in my own "logic" felt "safer."

Recently I began to feel more "myself" in my body and I began to feel uncomfortable with my size.  Last September I decided to begin working on losing weight.  I was skeptical in the beginning, I didn't think it would work.  I wasn't sure if I would feel "okay" with being thinner.

- - - Important caveat - - - I do NOT believe that thinner is better.  If you are reading this post and are comfortable with your size - - whatever that size is - - then good for you.  If you struggle with an eating disorder, please reach out for some help.  - - -

So, because I felt that I was no longer comfortable with being overweight and out of shape, I began doing weight watchers (leave me a comment if you have questions or want my thoughts on weight watchers) and started to find some success.  Like all weight loss programs there have been ups and downs and I've had a relatively slow loss.  Now I am about 10 pounds from my goal.  This past week I reached a couple of goals-along-the-way: have a BMI# that is in the normal range and loose 30% of the weight I was when I began.  It feels good to achieve both of these goals, and I have a lot of hard work coming to get the last ten pounds off and keep the weight off.  (I keep telling myself that how I eat now is a lifestyle choice not a "diet" and is similar to the transition from being a carnivore to a vegetarian 17 plus years ago.)

What is my point beyond shameless bragging? I'm just beginning to realize that I feel safe feeling good about my physical body.  I am okay with being attractive because I am safe with myself and safe from prior abuse.  I know myself and understand that I being able to wear size 8 jeans is about health, wellness, healing and who I am today.

I hope that as I continue on the survivorship journey, that I can continue to live fully present in myself - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Thanks for reading and for letting me share.

Excited to celebrate the renewal of the Torah and myself

Tonight we begin the Jewish holiday of Shavuot.  Shavuot celebrates the day thousands of years ago when our people first received the Torah.  Receiving the Torah is an active, rather than passive process.  We repeat it yearly on the holiday and daily/weekly/monthly when we choose to engage in Jewish life.  Such participation includes everything from arguing/discussing/debating faith with one another, with ourselves, with G-d to a full embracing of all components of Jewish life and living (and everything in between.)

The medieval Rabbi Bachya ibn Paquda taught many things, among them the idea that days are scrolls, write on them what we want to be remembered.  Blogging has been part of my journey - blogging about life in general and about my healing journey.  On this holiday, I am mindful that healing includes review of the story as a central component of growth.  I pray that my celebration of Shavuot includes being present with community at Sinai as well as present with myself and my own story. 

If you celebrate I hope that your observance is filled with joy, growth and hope.

The passage of time & healing

As we end the calendar year 2009 and approach another new year and new decade, I think about where I was (or more to the point wasn't) on my healing journey 10 years ago. In many ways I am a different woman now, calmer, more confident, less frightened and happier. What a joy it is to not have hypervigillance and anxiety be my first response - to know how to breathe and trust myself. Ten years ago I couldn't name the ways anxiety and hypervigillance were affecting me. Today I not only feel less of a need, but I read my reactions and can avoid the spiral.

Healing, growth and supportive friends bless me daily. I hope, pest and work on myself so that I continue to thrive more every day.

A Sister Blogger

Thank you to NechaBasha in Boston for a powerful High Holy Day ritual idea for an abuser who has died. She wrote about it in a comment on an earlier post. You can find the comment here near the bottom of the page. If find her idea powerful, strengthening and in a way that interests me, it is tangibly Jewish and connected to our tradition.

I have long felt that our tradition encourages us, prods us and even commands us to find healing and hope. (I am not in any way justifying being abused or our abusers abusing us. In no way. I am just sharing with you one of the ways that I cope.) NechaBasha's idea resonates tradition and healing.

I invite you to check out her website, JIST - Jewish Incest Survivors Together.

May our rituals this High Holy Days strengthen and heal us.

Clarification on my earlier post- length of healing

Hello again. [Yes, after not posting for a long time, I am posting thrice in once night. ;-) ]

I'm home now from the place where I was blogging from my Treo and when checking my earlier posts I realized I need to clarify something. I remarked about my friend "D" "Too bad that healing can sometimes be lengthy." Healing takes its own time. I did not mean to suggest that there needs to be a time limit on healing. In fact, as many of us know, healing can be like a spiral - we return to the same issues over and over again in different ways and with different tools. I am by no means judging us when it takes a long time to heal.

Thanks for letting me clarify.

Long term impact of abuse

I had a wonderful, reconnecting conversation with a friend tonight. It was a blessing to speak with her. We've been friends for nearly 15 years, and even though we had a period of disconnection, we've picked things back up.

During our conversation tonight I was reminded of how long the pain of abuse can last. This friend was abused by an employer and the effects remain to this day.

I am mindful of the reality that I can't take away her pain - just be there for her. Too bad that healing can sometimes be lengthy.