Monday, June 30, 2003

Parent visit update

I had breakfast with the parents this morning. We spoke about a vareity of things, eventually getting to "meatier" topics. I shared with them a tiny bit more about my current life than I have before (still haven't told them about J). Throughout I watched my father fidget and squirm, appearing increasingly uncomfortable. "He is about to burst," I thought, "here it comes." No volcanic erruptions, surprisingly no tantrum or outburst. Response (to my confrontation of them 2.4 years ago) there was, however. Basically it boiled down to total denial of any physical or sexual abuse of me. To quote him "I am not that kind of person." HA! As if! Interestingly, no denial of verbal/emotional abuse. He even apologized for a screaming/yelling/judemental/abusive reaction he had to something I said years ago. So far, this is pretty typical for them (although 1st time the abuse has been so openly discussed since confrontation in 2/2001) - "impressive" that he didn't yell. Howver, his body language was quite telling - closed arms over his chest and he couldn't look me in the eye. I made concentrated effort to maintain constant eye contact with him but he couldn't do it with me - especially during his denials of the abuse. Methinks that is telling.
They are trying. Trying to get me to take it back, to return to our "formerly close family." Yeah. Right.
I sounded like a broken record - "to have a beginning of a relationship with me beyond superficial things you have to be willing to let me believe what I believe about my childhood." Not once did they say okay. So, they aren't willing to meet me even half way yet. (Yes, I still hope. Foolish, probably, but I do.)
One more funny thing, then I need to get back to work. My mom said at one point, "I think I have an idea why you believe what you do about this. Remember your promiscuous college roommate (who used to have sex with guys in our room while they thought I was asleep)? Maybe that has made you think what you do." (She couldn't even say abuse.) Excuse me - I (wrongly in her mind) know that dad abused me and it is because of my college roommate??!! (They've tried the old 'therapist put the memories there' crap and I've cleared it up.)
Okay, back to work.
Thanks for reading and joining me on the latest installment of my healing journey.

Wishing my brothers and sister survivers strength, courage and hope,

No comments: