Family Sh#*

First - an update on D and the loss of his dad. I spoke with D this afternoon, and he is doing pretty well - darn well, acutally - taking all the family stuff in stride.

It has been and continues to be (and, I hope always will be) and honor to be a part of D's life. Friends who support each other through it all is a great gift and I treasure all my friends, especially D.

I feel a "but" coming on. Yep. Here it is. Hearing about what is going on with D's family has led me to think about what I would do if tomorrow my "father" were to die. What choices would I make? How would I handle all of my family's garbage and lashing out at me? How would I react to the inevitable accusation that I caused his death (which, of course I will not, if he has consequences from abusing me that is his problem)? (I say this accusation is inevitable, because when I confronted Father and Mother about the abuse, they accused me of trying to kill them. What would I do? I don't know and I won't until I am in the situation - something I hope doesn't happen for a long time. I just hope that I will be able to keep myself safe and sane. Good healing work and good self-care should help. Thanks for letting me share.

May his memory be a blessing

D's dad died during the night. He's been doing well with it all, and is doing his dad and his mom, sister a nice thing by taking care of most of the arrangements. He's been really strong and still seems to be doing some grieving. I think that his grieving will be more open when he is home with his spouse, away from the stress of all the family garbage and game playing. (Which of course is still happening and even escalating at this time.)

In Judaism when someone dies, we pray for a number of things and one of the things we say to each other is "May his memory be a blessing."

Indeed, may D's dad's memory be a blessing to D and family,
Leah

Disfunctional Families and Stress

Hi. I've been thinking a lot over the past few days about stress between members of disfunctional families like mine and my friend D. D's father is dying and with that sadness and that stress, all the "quirks" are coming out and all the old destructive, guilting patterns are rearing their heads. D's handling it very well, seeing and understanding what is going on and trying not to get sucked in while doing what is right for him in respecting his dad during his final days and the coming burial and mourning periods. It is taking much strength from he and his spouse and I applaud them both. I hope that when the time comes for me to face this, that I will have the same amount of courage and fortitude.

A Shabbat of New Beginnings

Hello and an early Shabbat Shalom (the greeting we say to one another on the sabbath, literally means "sabbath peace"). Tonight we begin the Torah (the name for the 1st 5 books of the Bible) reading cycle again. So, on this sabbath we begin with the creation of the world and continue through the strive of humans for knowledge as well as (sadly) news of the first murder. Even though we know the stories well, we read them again and again, coming to the text anew.

I find it refreshing to begin the cycle again, full of hope and the promise of continued healing and growth. So, in that spirit, I wish you a sabbath of hope and healing, whether or not you are Jewish.

Good Morning

Hi. Its a new shiny cool day here in Middle America, and the day is full of hope and sadness. Hope, because the day is beautiful and I've gotten some work done already this morning, and sad because I have to go to a funeral tomorrow for a 50-year-old woman. So sad. Her family is doing okay.

Wishing you a day of hope and courage,
Leah

Doing Better

Hello. Just a quick post to let you know that I am doing better, thanks in large part to all the support I am getting here and at home.Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate it.

Hoping your day has been good as well,
Leah

"Sisterly" Ultimatum

The words have finally been said between my Sister and I - to have any kind of relationship with her I have to return to being "part of the family" like I was before I started seeing (or as they believe, being brainwashed by) my therapist. She actually said that until I can do that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Damn! I knew this was probably coming, but it still hurts. She tried all the well-worn tactics the Parents use, like I'm not being a good Jew, that I'm not honoring the parents, that I am a liar and that I have hurt them with my "horrible allegations." I don't know why I'm surprised. I shouldn't be. I'm just sad.

The conversation was precipitated by my telling her that I was politely turning down her Thanksgiving invitation (see this post for the background) to which she replied, well, I know that I'm not important in your life. Unfortunately, I took the bait (writing this down helps me see that bait is what it was) and I tried my best to communicate that I want to be friends with her (something we've never been, sadly) but she wasn't going to hear it. I have to patch things up with my parents for that to happen, which means going back to the idea that they were/are great parents. So sad that she has been manipulated by them into the middle.

Even though I knew this was eventually coming, it still sucks. The abusive Bastard and his damage live on.

I do know and keep telling myself that I am doing what I need to for staying well. Sometimes healthy survivorship and good boundaries aren't fun at all.

Thanks to JW who was there for me when I called after hanging up with Sister, I really appreciate it.

Leah

Another survivor blog

Check out Becca's Journal. {Hat tip to Mike.}

Healing site

Survivor's Art Foundation promotes healing through art work and is currently sponsoring a contest. {Hat tip to The Awareness Center}

Update

Hi. It's a rainy, blustery fall day here in Middle America, a day which seems made for my cold. (By the way, it seems to be getting better although I still don't think I will work tonight.) Actually, part of me likes days like today, days when I bundle up and put on layers. (My landlord has the heat set to go on only after it is about 40 degrees outside, so it is cold in my place.) Bundling up in clothes makes me feel safe. It makes sense, I guess, since my father's abuse was at night when he would take off my clothes before molesting me.

On another note, I am adding something new to the blog later today. (You might have noticed that I added the google search tool yesterday.) The new section I am calling "doing good while online." The idea is connected to the Jewish value of tikkun olam, or repairing the world. There are many websites online where you can make a free donation just by clicking on an icon. Companies sponsor these pages and pay a fraction of a cent per click. So, take a look on the left side of this blog below the blog utilities for a list of places to make no-cost donations. Do good while you are online!

Wishing you a warm day of courage and hope,
Leah

Astounding!

Hi. I'm going to keep this short, as I am not feeling well (just a bad cold), but I find the following link about the $87 billion requested by Bush for Iraq to be astounding. Just what does 87 billion look like? {Hat tip to Jim Hightower. }

Hope your weekend was a good one and a Hag Sameach to all those celebrating Sukkot.
Leah

New Link

Support for survivors who have hearing loss at Deaf Abuse Women's Network. {Hat tip to the The Awareness Center.}

Disgusted and Horrified!

A close Bush advisor by the name of Grover Norquist has equated the estate tax and the Holocaust! Take a look at Talking Points Memo for the details. Personally, I am disgusted and horrified! How can people let this stuff go on and still support our president? {Hat tip to Tom Tomorrow.}

Hag Sukkot Sameach!

Or happy sukkot! Another Jewish holiday begins tonight, Sukkot! This is a fun season of holiday after holiday. You might know Sukkot under some other names, the Feast of Booths or the Feast of Tabernacles. Looking for some info. or just curious? You can go to:

My Jewish Learning, Sukkot basics and more, or Sukkot from a social action/social justice perspective.

Enjoy!

Good wishes for another survivor

I hope that Grrl_Inside is feeling better. From her blog on Friday it sounds like she has been having it rough. Sending her and any others who are needing it healing prayers and vibes.

Hmmmm.

Hello. One of the things which happened between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year - this year was Sept. 27, 2003) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement - this year October 6, 2003), is that my sister called. We had our typical conversation, meaning that she had an agenda to call, not to just say hello and see what is up with me. So, she told me what was going on with her and then shared the point of the call - - an invitation for Thanksgiving. She is having Thanksgiving in her apartment - she is having our parents and wants me to come - no friends, no friends there (even though one of my closest friends grew up with the husband of her closest friend - and both couples live close by), just the "family." Awww. How sweet. Not. I hear ambush. When the parents were here (where I live, the Sister lives about a 9 hour drive away) you might remember that one of there purposes of the trip was to "convince" me that they never abused me. Ha. So, the point is that I just can't believe that the Thanksgiving thing isn't at least partially about trying to "convince" me again. I don't think I am going to go.

Thanks for letting me vent & share.
Wishing you a day of healing and hope,
Leah

Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur was Sunday night through sundown yesterday. I was at synagogue all day - exhausting and liturgically powerful, but good.

Wishing you a good day,
Leah

Shavuah Tov (A good new week)

Shavuah tov. Shabbat has ended and a new week begins on the Jewish calendar, the second week of 5764. That means that Yom Kippur is just hours away.

My preparation for the Day of Atonmenet (the most common translation of Yom Kippur into English) continues. It's not an easy day, a very serious day full of intense prayer, an acknowledgement of our mortality, full 24-26 hour food/water fast and a focus on forgiveness. Fortunately, Judaism is clear that for sins of one person against another (like abuse) the perp. has to ask forgiveness from the victim/survivor before God will grant forgiveness. So, I don't have to forgive my abusive parents. Still, a difficult day is coming.

More pages in the survivor web community

Hello. Here are some more pages by survivors:
Save our Children - Stop Child Abuse is a page which states the following purpose, "the purpose of this web site, which began after Paul McLaughlin got his first computer in 1994, is to show what one handicapped survivor has done in the community for the prevention and awareness of child abuse. Paul's goal is not to be a victim, not to abuse self, and not to abuse the community by negative revenge, but to speak out about child abuse and also to work in the communities to heal himself and to educate people about the ‘before/during/after' effects of abuse. Tell your story and also work to save our children in your community. Child abuse or any abuse will continue as long we don't talk about it and don't work to 'help stop child abuse.'"

Tesserae has a series of pages - poetry, art and a bit of a journal.

Survivng to Thriving is a site which describes itself as follows, "This is a site for female and male survivors of sexual violence, including rape, attempted rape, sexual abuse and incest as well as the people who support them. In these pages, you will find my story and the stories of other rape and sexual assault survivors who have chosen to share theirs, as well as information, including pages on healing, medical and legal information for rape and sexual assault survivors, and sections for child sexual abuse and male survivors. If you are the survivor of sexual violence, you know how much how much pain it can cause and how it feels to be so terribly hurt. Please know that you are not alone and that healing is possible. I hope that you will find comfort and healing while exploring these pages. However, some of what is written here may be triggering, so please keep yourself safe. Since this site is a work in progress, please email me with your suggestions and comments."

Wishing you peace, hope and healing,
Leah

Update - Jailed Victim Released

The prosecutor who jailed a rape victim/survivor has let her go, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer. Thank goodness.

Wishing you a day of hope, healing and strength,
Leah