My Body, Myself - Fear, Healing and Body Image

As a survivor, I've often felt uncomfortable in my skin.  Some reading I did earlier in my healing journey helped me understand that this is partly because my father's abuse began before I had an understanding of where my body began and ended (the abuse began around 2).  I've heard that many survivors face this issue, regardless of the timing of the abuse.

I never believed people when they told me that I was pretty and in fact being told I looked good set off deeply-placed alarms that I didn't really understand.  I felt that looking attractive was a problem.  Why?  Because I was trying to find a way out of the abuse - - while I was still living in my parent's house and even afterwards, up to and through some of the healing process.  When I turned to food for comfort, I got the (backwards) "benefit" of gaining weight and therefore in my own "logic" felt "safer."

Recently I began to feel more "myself" in my body and I began to feel uncomfortable with my size.  Last September I decided to begin working on losing weight.  I was skeptical in the beginning, I didn't think it would work.  I wasn't sure if I would feel "okay" with being thinner.

- - - Important caveat - - - I do NOT believe that thinner is better.  If you are reading this post and are comfortable with your size - - whatever that size is - - then good for you.  If you struggle with an eating disorder, please reach out for some help.  - - -

So, because I felt that I was no longer comfortable with being overweight and out of shape, I began doing weight watchers (leave me a comment if you have questions or want my thoughts on weight watchers) and started to find some success.  Like all weight loss programs there have been ups and downs and I've had a relatively slow loss.  Now I am about 10 pounds from my goal.  This past week I reached a couple of goals-along-the-way: have a BMI# that is in the normal range and loose 30% of the weight I was when I began.  It feels good to achieve both of these goals, and I have a lot of hard work coming to get the last ten pounds off and keep the weight off.  (I keep telling myself that how I eat now is a lifestyle choice not a "diet" and is similar to the transition from being a carnivore to a vegetarian 17 plus years ago.)

What is my point beyond shameless bragging? I'm just beginning to realize that I feel safe feeling good about my physical body.  I am okay with being attractive because I am safe with myself and safe from prior abuse.  I know myself and understand that I being able to wear size 8 jeans is about health, wellness, healing and who I am today.

I hope that as I continue on the survivorship journey, that I can continue to live fully present in myself - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Thanks for reading and for letting me share.